I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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