my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Even my vagina gasped.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
