I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
