dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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