I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
