In the future we'll all be gay
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
