I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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