i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
