I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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