for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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