That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
MIDGETS
????
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
