There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
