I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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