i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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