Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
