I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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