I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
