I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my phone needs a breathalizer
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
