yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
