gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So squirting runs in the family.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
