Define "chronic" masturbator.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
