i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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