It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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