I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
