hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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