He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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