Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
