I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
