it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
