The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize