I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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