please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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