last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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