I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
