So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
