I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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