ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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