I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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