sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
