Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
