I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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