my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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