Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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