I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
high people should be assigned attendants
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
