I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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