I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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