I heard we made out
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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