Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
