My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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