we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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