i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
