I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
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You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
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The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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