I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
