The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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