Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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