Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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