And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
