just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
