Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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